one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
