I could make wine with my vomit
We got so high we made milksteak
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
