Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
