Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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