YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Little spoons don't ask big questions
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
