I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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