I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
