forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Shame - the story of my life.
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