On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize