Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
