Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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