I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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