all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
