Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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