sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
