tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
