your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
