Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My feet surprised me
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