I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
