I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
