You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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