I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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