WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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