Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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