His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
