i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
