i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
