In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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