So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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