When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
