Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
