Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
