Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
