Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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