By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
