I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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