I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
