It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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