Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
