Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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