I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
