i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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