I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
