I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
