I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
