my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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