I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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