he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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