Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
whose ass print is on the piano?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
