remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
