all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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