I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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