So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
