I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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