Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Ketchup is God's man juice
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize