i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize