Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
