last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
