She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
