nut hugger
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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