Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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