life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
